Couples Therapy

Learning new ways to relate, unlearning old, and growing together.

Long-term committed relationships are not easy to build or maintain. Many of us had the belief that all we had to do was fall in love with a good person and the rest would happen naturally. Unfortunately, it is much more complicated than that. Human beings do not have an instinct that tells us how to be effective in relationships. In order to have a successful relationship you need to have learned effective ways to be in a couple. Most of us did not learn effective ways to relate from the modeling or teaching of our parents. In fact, we often learned ways to relate that can be harmful to relationships. In couples therapy, we focus on what’s not working in your relationship—and we work to change it. In couples therapy, you will learn effective ways to support your relationship over time and through the inevitable challenges of life.

Couples relationships require ongoing nurturing from both partners and the ability to repair the relationship after conflicts which inevitably occur. Being in a couple requires the ability to empathize with your partner and appreciate what it is like to walk in his or her shoes. This is easy to say but not easy to do. Communication between partners requires the ability to identify and share your feelings and the ability to actively listen to understand your partner. When a couple chooses to have children, they must work to nurture and maintain their couple relationship at the same time they are giving a large part of their energy and attention to the children. It is common for someone to feel envious of the attention their partner gives to their children. Therefore, it is critical that couples learn ways to attend to the needs of their partner and their self and not just focus on the needs of the children..

When I work with a couple I do not take sides, and I don’t sugar-coat things. I help both partners see how their behaviors are affecting the relationship. It is extremely rare to have a couples issue that is completely the fault of one of the partners. In all of the couples I have seen, both members of the couple are contributing to the couple’s problems. For example, I might say to the partner who feels mistreated: “While I understand you feel mistreated, your defensiveness is pushing your partner away. If I were your spouse, I’d feel like retreating too. What might happen if you responded more vulnerably, with the goal of being heard rather than being right?”.

Most couples come to therapy with some hope that the relationship can be repaired and improved. Others come to therapy because they have decided to separate but need support and guidance on how to best navigate the painful process. Separation or divorce with children involved is even more painful and complicated but it can be done well with adequate support and guidance.

Couples therapy is about learning to relate differently—to endeavor to be honest, open and vulnerable with your partner which will allow you to connect more deeply.  Learning to empathize with your partner and see the issue from their point of view. Learning to be more nurturing to your partner. Learning to take care of yourself and your partner at the same time. These are skills that can be learned and practiced in couples therapy.